Back post....why I hate mother's day!

This Mother's Day was really hard for me....harder than I thought it would be. I didn't really let anyone know, but it was really stressful and upsetting. There's not many people who've met my mom or who knew how she was, though there are a few. It's safe to say that I'm lucky I made it out of my childhood alive. She's been missing again for over 3 months now and I can't say I'm upset about it. I feel guilty that I don't care more....I really do, but how can you care for someone who abused you and neglected you and pretty much tried to destroy your life? I can't even say I really love her anymore. When I tried to help her before, she used me over and over....and she did what she did before...took out her rage and anger and madness out on me. Sometimes, I would wonder what I had done so wrong to deserve a mom like that; sometimes, I still do...I know it's made me who I am today, but sometimes I feel like asking God why he decided I needed to learn all these life lessons before I even turned 18. I guess the worst part of it all is that she remains convinced she was a great mom, the best mom possible....I guess she forgot the times she beat me or threatened to kill my dad with poison if I told him about the beatings or stole my dad's medications and blamed it on me and my "drug problem" or stole money from him and me and blamed everyone else. I guess most people don't realize just how hellacious life was living with her, though the ones in high school and middle school remember me going to stay for a day or two on the weekends as often as I could...it was to escape my mom and pretend I had a normal life. She was so bad and abusive, when my dad and her went to marriage counseling about two years ago, the counselor talked my dad into getting private sessions and then during the sessions discussed him filing for divorce as she was afraid my mom was going to kill him soon. The sad thing is, she was (and is) so manipulative, people who didn't know her well thought she was poor and helpless...but she wasn't.

What sparked all this reflection was a simple comment on Saturday. When Chris and I went to see his dad at work, one of the co-workers asked what we were doing for my mom and I just said "She's not around."....the lady thought I meant she was dead (which she is to me for all intents and purposes) and proceeded to go on and on about how she was in a better place. I don't care where she is and I don't care if she gets to a better place. I never want to see her again or talk to her again...I never want her to hurt me again. I don't want to become like her; I am scared that I might someday. I know I'm not like her, but sometimes, I think about it and it scares me.

Does it make me a bad person not to love her? I know she gave birth to me, but she never loved me like a mother should. I was a possession and when she realized that I couldn't be made to do exactly what she wanted, how she wanted and that I had my own mind, she tried to break me. I survived her, but I don't love her. My dad barely survived her, too.....so is it wrong not to love her?