Actual Knitting Content!

Yes, yes...this blog will have ACTUAL KNITTING CONTENT. I've been doing a lot of "quick" knitting.....I finished off three scarves in funky, soft yarn on big needles in the past week and started a beautiful scarf for someone in baby blue wool as well as a beanie for her husband. I still need to make one more scarf for them, a snake for their soon and then off to work on some other stuff. My wedding shawl hasn't been worked on since last Friday, but because of how intricate it is, I don't want to work on it at work....quick and easy, or mindless, or simple patterns are a lot easier to work with during a one hour lunch. It will be done, though, and no later than November!!!!!!!!

In other news, I MIGHT have an interview with a school district here in town. I really, really hope so. I don't know if I can last another year here.....bleh. I start my classes next Tuesday. Not sure how well I will do with the working out since I work from 7:30 to 4:30 and then have class from 6 to 9. I get home by 5 and have to leave 5:30 to get there in time. We shall see....speaking of working out, I really need to work out today. Hopefully, I'll get my butt to the gym.

Well, back to work...ugh!

Who knows what's going on....

Well, my friend who was supposed to be a bridesmaid texted me last night. We'll see what happens. I texted her back and told her to call me when she got up. I hope it works out for the best....but who knows.

I am so tired this week. I think it's just the dread of coming into work that really runs me down. At least it's Thursday....which means only one more day.

I knitted some last night and my sweetie and I watched 50 First Dates (cute, cute movie) and the second to the last episode of Lost. It was awesome.

Hopefull, tonight, during the CSI finale, I'll get more knitted on that wedding shawl and some more done on my gift scarves for Christmas.

Not so bad...

You know, telling one of my "best" friends that I didn't want her as a bridesmaid anymore wasn't as bad as I thought. In fact, I'm relieved. Since she's been blowing me off while I was trying to talk to her about wedding stuff I needed help with for over 2 weeks, I figured it was better for my sanity and the whole wedding party.

I just have to figure out who I'm going to ask to replace her. It's not like I have tons of female friends; I know some girls, but she was supposed to be one of my best friends....ah well.

I knitted about 20 minutes today......between work, a hurried dinner and class last night, I didn't have much time at all....then there is Chris' suprise party. It seems to be going off without a hitch (thank you, thank you, thank you).

I did get a notice from one school district here in town that I am now officially in their applicant pool, which is awesome. I do have about 10 more applications to fill out, but I'll probably work on them tonight after I hit the gym. Hopefully, I'll get a job offer SOON. I want to know that I won't be working here come the fall.....keep your fingers crossed.

ARGH!!!!!!!!

I got into an argument with someone who is supposed to be my best friend. She's one of my bridesmaids (actually a co-maid of honor) and I needed to talk to her about some stuff for the wedding......I've been trying to reach her for a week and a half. See, when her boyfriend comes into town, she forgets she has friends to spend all her time with him. It wouldn't be so bad, except she COMPLETELY forgets she has friends and treats them like they don't matter. I asked her if she is going to be available for fittings and she couldn't even answer me that. So, I'm freaking out about this. The wedding is 9 months and I don't even know if she's going to be dependable enough to be in it. If I do end up taking her out of the wedding, one of my best friends (a male) will be on my side, in her place, in a tuxedo. We'll see what happens. Keep your fingers crossed.

In knitting news, I've ordered some knitting books: One Skein, Mason-Dixon Knitting, a knitting Stitchonary, and Sensational Knitted Socks. I went through one of those craft books places, so we'll see when I get them. I'm about halfway done with my fiance's mom's scarf and about 1/10 of the way done with his dad's scarf....I'm not sure what all I'm making people, but I guess it will get done before Christmas.

Back post....why I hate mother's day!

This Mother's Day was really hard for me....harder than I thought it would be. I didn't really let anyone know, but it was really stressful and upsetting. There's not many people who've met my mom or who knew how she was, though there are a few. It's safe to say that I'm lucky I made it out of my childhood alive. She's been missing again for over 3 months now and I can't say I'm upset about it. I feel guilty that I don't care more....I really do, but how can you care for someone who abused you and neglected you and pretty much tried to destroy your life? I can't even say I really love her anymore. When I tried to help her before, she used me over and over....and she did what she did before...took out her rage and anger and madness out on me. Sometimes, I would wonder what I had done so wrong to deserve a mom like that; sometimes, I still do...I know it's made me who I am today, but sometimes I feel like asking God why he decided I needed to learn all these life lessons before I even turned 18. I guess the worst part of it all is that she remains convinced she was a great mom, the best mom possible....I guess she forgot the times she beat me or threatened to kill my dad with poison if I told him about the beatings or stole my dad's medications and blamed it on me and my "drug problem" or stole money from him and me and blamed everyone else. I guess most people don't realize just how hellacious life was living with her, though the ones in high school and middle school remember me going to stay for a day or two on the weekends as often as I could...it was to escape my mom and pretend I had a normal life. She was so bad and abusive, when my dad and her went to marriage counseling about two years ago, the counselor talked my dad into getting private sessions and then during the sessions discussed him filing for divorce as she was afraid my mom was going to kill him soon. The sad thing is, she was (and is) so manipulative, people who didn't know her well thought she was poor and helpless...but she wasn't.

What sparked all this reflection was a simple comment on Saturday. When Chris and I went to see his dad at work, one of the co-workers asked what we were doing for my mom and I just said "She's not around."....the lady thought I meant she was dead (which she is to me for all intents and purposes) and proceeded to go on and on about how she was in a better place. I don't care where she is and I don't care if she gets to a better place. I never want to see her again or talk to her again...I never want her to hurt me again. I don't want to become like her; I am scared that I might someday. I know I'm not like her, but sometimes, I think about it and it scares me.

Does it make me a bad person not to love her? I know she gave birth to me, but she never loved me like a mother should. I was a possession and when she realized that I couldn't be made to do exactly what she wanted, how she wanted and that I had my own mind, she tried to break me. I survived her, but I don't love her. My dad barely survived her, too.....so is it wrong not to love her?

A blog....

So, I've never actually had a real blog. I sort of have one on myspace, but that's not a real blog. I guess I'm just jumping on the bandwagon. I always try to start a real journal and never do so well with it...maybe it's just easier to type in what I'm thinking than sit there and write it out. Besides, the delete button is so much easier to use than white out or an eraser.

I figure I'll write when I remember, when I need to vent (which is happening a lot more now that my boss has turned into a cave troll), or when I feel like talking.

This is probably my "official" first blog, so I figured I'd just ramble a bit....I'm getting married in 9 months and 1 week and I'm excited and scared and everything else. I think that it's a new step into the rest of my life and I can't wait for it to be here. We have our first appointment with the Monsignor for our Pre-Cana classes. We have to have them about 6 months before the wedding, but we'll be starting a little early, on June 26th. It's kind of neat that we're getting married in the church. Chris was my sponsor for my confirmation and that was just awesome and we've planned to raise our kids in the church.

In other news, I start my class in 3 weeks....I'm not looking forward to the time frame but looking forward to what I'll learn. I'm going to be exhausted for about a month, but that's okay.

I've been knitting various things to use up yarn and make presents...when I finish some of them, I'll post pictures (if I can)....

So, my blog is now officially open.